Looking for a house!

Everyone who knows me well knows that I would live in a dark cave if possible.  So several years ago, DH and I embarked on a house buying journey.  We looked at every house in town so it seems.  We looked at older homes, model homes and I kid you not a house with snakes in it.  SNAKES! I was mosing around looking at this house I really liked and I though we might have found it.  So I turn right into a kiddo room and WHAT THE HELL!  SNAKES! LOTS OF THEM! OK so I could not get out fast enough.  I practically mowed down DH and the current homeowners going down the stairs.  ( I was skinner and faster then )  So I'm standing in the yard and DH (HELLO!) is still looking.  Like we are interested, my interested went away as soon as i saw the first snake.  So the home owners come out in the yard and they are trying to explain that they are taking the snakes with them.  I DON'T CARE! NOT HAPPENING! NO WAY!

The only thing I could even envision was them leaving one behind.  Now like snakes I'm equally afraid of mice.  Don't believe me ask my ex husband.  I once moved out of a house and made him do a complete tear down of a kitchen because there was a little mouse freeway behind the stove.  We won't even discuss when Big Roy Auvenshine tore out my celing and there was a snake skin hanging down.  Now in all his infinite wisdom Big Roy said, now Denna snakes get rid of mice.  Don't care, I think I even said WHAT THE HELL! To Big Roy and he was like up there with Billy Graham in Weakley County Tennessee.  He just shook his head and laughed.  He was used to my forays into cussin fits!  So thats that story.  Back to the house looking.

Well needless to say there was no convincing me.  No house with snakes.  Snakes, mice and now geekos freak me out.  Yes, I'm way bigger but they are way creepier.  They can slither and scurry off into the fields but NOT IN MY HOUSE OR FUTURE HOUSE.  So they lost a sale.  I don't even drive by that house anymore.  UGH, EEK and Scream.

So we move on to the next one.  It is perfect its a "Brady House" complete with Brady staircase and all.   DH was not real happy as it had a one ass kitchen.  Now we had agreed on a 2 ass kitchen.  Now I'm not sure why because my stove is only in the kitchen because without it, well there would be a big hole there.  So we had decided on a two ass kitchen.  Let me explain the "two ass kitchen".  We had been living in a house with a one ass kitchen.  That meant that only one person at a time could get in there.  You had to lean around and hold one foot to the left to open the refrigerator if anyone else was in the kitchen.  DH hated it because he couldn't see the T.V. while he was cooking.   Since he provided the only nutrition other than McDonalds in our house, he needed to be able to see the T.V. and so here we were looking at the perrrrrrrfect house.  Only it had a one ass kitchen. 

My theory was DH had been cooking all this time.  Why change a good thing?  He could just hand me drinks thru the cut out in the little wall there between the kitchen and dinning room.  Problem solved!  Well DH was not buyin it.  If you know DH he usually always does what I want.  I say usually.  I really should say 9 out of 10 times.  So guess what we put in an offer.  It was a steal.  The PERFECT and I do mean PURFECT house for me.  We would sit in the house and I would envision all the decor.  You see I could get into Brady house anytime because I memorized the pass code when the realtor punched it in.  Now yes I know this is technically trespassing but hell... who's gonna know.  It was a forclosure and those folks weren't coming back. 

Then the problem hits.  Seems FHA, DNA,VA or one of those A's refused to loan us the money for the house.  REFUSED hello we were preapproved.  Nope DH says they will not approve the loan because there was not an intact bathroom.  Well hello, I'm going to get one in.  I'm not moving Miss Priss and Just Like My Own in without a working bathroom.  Well no dice! Now the realtor suggested maybe we sneak in and build a working cheapy bathroom just to get the loan started.  Sounded good to me I had the secret code.  This is when having an attorney as DH sucks.  He would have no part of it.  I begged and begged.  I even threatened to put a toliet in my ownself.  This was time #10 I was referring to above.  He said NO! Now I was a little shocked that he didn't join right up and stand guard while I put in the toliet.  I would have talked Handy Brother in law into helping me.  Sister in law #1, Handy Brother in law and I would have had that fixed right up in no time.  All DH had to do was be a look out.  He would not do it.  Would not budge.  I don't think I spoke to him for a week.

Then it happend.  Some other person with a handy husband bought that house.  I was not happy.  I came home and told DH, I hope your happy someone else is livin in my dream home with your one ass kitchen and no toliet.  He said there will be other houses.  REALLY REALLY cause we have looked at every house in town. 

So we turned our attention to model homes.  Oh they were nice.  All decorated and such.  We found one we wanted.  It was great.  Not as great as Brady house but it did have a working toliet and a 2 ass kitchen and DH was happy.  So we put in an offer.  The offer was accepted and we were ready to go.  NOT SO FAST! So after the offer was accepted the owner raised the price 20,000.  OMG~ ! can he do that.  NOPE, this is where DH being an attorney was going to kick in and work for me.  So DH pens a letter on his fancy smancy letter head.  Seems the guy realized the couldn't raise the price.  SO as my luck being my luck.  He said he'd just keep it.  Sighssssssssssss! So here we are.  We have this little letter that says sell them a house and we can't find one.  Now I'm not asking for much.  A roof, some walls, and a 2 ass kitchen. In decorator colors of course.  Not to happen.  So I called the morgage guy and said ... how long is our morgage approval thingy good for and he said, get this you have a  week to find a house.  If we didn't we were going to have to do all that paperwork, faxing, gathering and overnighting again.

So I'm on a mission!  I go to the orginal builder that we had looked at long before Snake, Brady, and one that got away.  I walk in and the nice lady said I have the model you looked at and its on the ground.  This meant no waiting.  I said ok, she wanted to know where DH was.  I said he's at work.  ( he had no idea i was looking )  So me and my best ever mother in law and her sweet sister go to look at the house.  Well the sweet sister borrows the agents shoes.  ( i kid you not the agent too them off to walk on the carpet and sweet sister of the mother in law put them on ) OK that was awkward.  We moved on to look at the bedroom and bathroom.  There it is a big ole shiney deep soaking tub. SOLD!  Sweet sister of the best mother in law decided to lay right down in my tub.  OMG! WHAT THE HELL! I'll take it anyway.  So we leave sweet sister in the tub ( i think people from Washington state are a bit odd.  sorry sweet sister of the best mother in law)  So something overtakes me.  I envision all the houses I've lost.  I say I'll take it! 

Agent being a very nice lady said " do you want to call DH".  I said nope! I'll take it.  Called the morgage broker and said "bought a house" and no one is getting this one!  Then I called DH and said bought a house.  He said WHAT!? I said yep! bought it!  Well DH said ( and this is what i love about him ) Whatever you want dear!  Woooohooooo I had a house.  Finally!  There was one issue the inside was all white.  No color this I would have to work on.  That will be a future of story.  So DH and I closed on our brand new house and we moved in and guess what.  NO SNAKES! NO MICE! and so far no geekos.  See folks DH and I never do anything easy.  We are usually fun though and that takes care of the house buying.  I'm never moving again.